Should We Elope Without Telling Anyone?

sam@samstarns.com @samstarns

Let’s be real: the idea of eloping in secret has probably crossed your mind at least once if you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by wedding planning, family expectations, or the idea of being the center of attention.

If you’re searching things like “should we elope without telling anyone” or “how to secretly elope,” you’re not alone. And no, it doesn’t make you cold-hearted or rebellious. It might just mean you want your wedding day to be about you, not everyone else.

I’ve photographed couples from all over the world, and a surprising number of them chose to elope without telling anyone ahead of time. Some told just a friend or two, others kept it completely under wraps until the photos were posted. And spoiler alert: zero regrets.

So, if you’re wondering whether secretly eloping is the right move, here’s what I’ve seen firsthand from couples who chose to elope in secret, what it looked like for them, and what’s worth thinking through if you’re leaning that way.

1. Less pressure, more connection

Bailey and Ariel originally dipped their toes into traditional wedding planning but quickly noped out. “It got really scary and honestly, it wasn’t fun anymore,” they told me. Instead of juggling family dynamics and RSVPs, they decided to bring just one friend each to the Oregon Coast and Redwoods. No one else knew.

“We just wanted the day to be about us, not about turning it into a family reunion or navigating drama.”

2. You want something small… and actually small

Sarina and Dennis were planning a dreamy elopement in Ireland.

“We haven’t told anyone we’re planning this. The second we do, we know people will try to plan to be there, and that’s exactly what we’re trying to avoid.”

For them, the idea of an intimate, carefree day exploring cliffs and beaches was only possible if it stayed under the radar.

3. You’ve spent a lot of energy justifying your relationship already

For LGBTQ+ couples especially, eloping without telling anyone can be a radical reclaiming of peace and joy. As Bailey and Ariel put it,

“We’ve already had to overcome validating our love in a lot of ways. This day is going to be self-centered in the best way.”

4. You don’t want the pressure of performing

Some couples just don’t want to be watched. Whether it’s writing vows in private, having a first look without an audience, or simply not wanting to answer a thousand questions in the weeks leading up to it, a secret elopement can bring back the magic that gets lost in group logistics.

1. Your support system

If you have people who will truly be hurt not to be there, think about how you’ll share the news and what might soften the blow. Some couples send out elopement announcement cards after the fact or plan a post-elopement celebration later.

2. The legality

Depending on where you’re eloping, you may need witnesses or you may not. That said, my couples have found plenty of witnesses on the trail who are only too happy to sign. (Pro tip: I’ve also signed as a witness more times than I can count.) If you’re doing a legal ceremony, double-check the requirements so nothing delays your marriage license.

3. Whether you’ll regret not telling anyone

Most couples I’ve worked with who eloped in secret didn’t regret it at all. But a few admitted they wished they’d told one or two more people—usually a sibling or best friend—after it was planned but before it happened.

4. The kind of day you actually want

Make sure you’re choosing a secret elopement because it aligns with your values, not just to avoid confrontation. If the idea of a private adventure feels more exciting than a public one, that’s a good sign you’re on the right path.

If the thought of waking up on your wedding day and not having to answer texts about directions, outfit choices, or seating charts makes you breathe easier, that’s a clue.

If you want your wedding day to feel like the start of an epic trip with your favorite person, not a performance for others, you’re probably in the secret elopement camp.

Still not sure if this route feels right? I’ve helped couples sort through what feels aligned for them, without pressure or expectations.

Because your day should be built around your connection, not anyone else’s expectations.